When im in a bad mood is it really that hard to just try to make me feel better instead of doing the opposite ? I don’t think you realize the shit thats going through my head right now…like how I’m a burden to the family or how I’m the biggest fuck up out of all your kids, what you don’t realize is I’m ashamed..ashamed because I’m your biggest disappointment. My dad doesn’t talk to me nor does he even probably acknowledge I’m his child and that hurts way more than anything. Instead of hating him i hate myself, i hate myself cause all you see is the things i don’t do but you can never appreciate the little things. Like how out of all your kids I’m the one that loves you unconditionally and couldn’t see you hurting but you can easily hurt me. You get mad at me for every little thing but don’t even see the things i DO, do for you. You know my uncle saw my sisters present from my dad and he asked me what he got for me, i wanted to start crying right there and then…I just smiled and answered “haha ask him” do you know how much that hurt. That feeling in your throat when you hold back from crying that was painful too. On top of that you do nothing but tell at me i just wanna explode. I try my best to make up for my mistakes but you dont even see it.
The biggest burden
Now my love life is a Different story.
I just got out of a two year relationship, a relationship that was full of lies betrayal & spite, just overall not a very healthy relationship. It was like a poisoned one. My boyfriend that i thought i would spend forever with, cheated 5 times…I know I’m stupid to even stay with him after the first time but If it was you. Would you throw away someone you loved and cared for, someone whose been there for you through all the hard times, over one mistake? That’s why i took him back countless of times cause id rather be with him and get hurt than be hurting without him. But i guess everyone as their limit, cause i couldn’t take it anymore. As much as i loved him and my heart was telling me to stay, I knew it was time to go. The part that hurt most is that he didn’t realize how much he loved me then, only when i was gone. Then he realized the shit i did for him the shit risked for him. I risked my freedom when i got locked up and i risked my family for him. I never cheated never even once looked at another guy the way i looked at him. But now after over thinking and analyzing those two years in my head over and over. I ask myself…Did i really love him? And I can never answer it. I know that i put up with him the last couple of months cause i didn’t want to keep switching Boyfriends i wanted to be the girl who stayed with just one guy. But he wasn’t for me. I know one day ill find the guy who accepts my flaw & appreciates the things i do for him..I know one day ill find him. I’m young and I know i should just have fun I can worry about my love life later on down the road. But for right now I’m worried about me & if there is a guy out there that comes then it happens but i wont expect anything. Cause i never wanna go through the heartache that i went through ever again, i never wanna feel that pain and be treated that low. I wont let it happen again cause I’ve finally realized my self-worth.
Lets talk about Life recently..
So i finally took the time out of my hectic schedule to write another blog, lately i just feel like falling apart… I’ve been trying to be strong as much as i could for my family but they have no idea the shit I’m dealing with inside my head. I up and left Florida to move to California, then i up and left California to come to the Philippines. I sacrificed a lot too..i just wish they sometimes could put themselves in my position rather than nagging at me all the time. Each day i wake up wanting to cry but I hate showing emotion around my mom lately cause its seems like i am just a burden to her… I get treated like shit while my brothers and sister are treated like royalty & call me jealous but i grew up basically as an only child, this is my first time being with my siblings again in 10 years, and even 10 years ago i was only here for 2 weeks its all new too me and its different. Sometimes i just lock myself in my room and listen to music…Cause you see, one thing bout music is when it hits you, you feel no pain. Well I don’t know if it goes the same for everyone but that’s how it is for me. There’s something about music that always seems to calm me & it gives me a sense of security and safety… safety from all the cruel things the real world has to offer. Now I’ve been here for 3 months and I’m going insane but I’m trying my best to make the best out of it cause mopping around all day being sad isn’t going to help me get back to the States. I’m trying to enjoy time with the family i have here and time I got left to spend with them before i do return home.
I just recently sat down and thought about my life and the things that happened in my life to lead to this exact moment. To this very moment where I’m writing about it. I cant be sure of how i might have turned out if my mom stayed with my dad and i continued t live my life in the philippines. Maybe i wouldve been top of my class and already in college, since theres only 10 grades there.
I know how much my dad hates, okay , maybe not hate but feels maybe ashamed of me. I am not the daughter he wanted and i know i was his first child and i know he wouldve wanted me to lie up to his expectations and all these rules and things that i just cant give to him. But my mm, omg my mom shes just the opposite, she lets me be free and lets me be who i want t be and i absolutley adore her fr that. But…i just cant seem to get over the fact that i feel that ive failed my family..that ive failed my mom my dad my brothers and sisters. I have this knot in my stomach where i feel ashamed of myself when it comes to my family. i fell that im not the reson they wished for me to be and as much as i wish i was cant make myself something know i was never meant to be. One day i wish that my family culd be roud of me for the things i want to do whith my life rather tha what they want.
My sexy hello kitty pipe[;
My pretty tattoooo (:
OR FUCK THEM.